If you are part of a couple, your opinions are not equal on any design matter except your bed.

The reality is that one person cares more about each topic / area / item. It is not the same person for each topic, but one person simply cares more about each decision.

I make this point so directly because I have realized how empowering it has been for couples to approach projects in this way. Often, until we begin collaborating, one member of the couple has been trying to talk with the other person about design matters for some time, and that other person is just not excited to engage. The reason may be a lack of interest, a concern about the budget, or simply complete faith in the interested person’s ability to make decisions. But whatever the reason, it can cause friction.

To respect this principle, my clients follow a few guidelines for all decisions:

• Each person must agree with the overall priorities and the budget. These notes may be general or specific, but the guiding note is that everyone agrees on what the goals are and what the total possible spend may be. I have found that this step can eliminate friction from the procurement process. For example, as furniture is installed, the less involved party does not become overwhelmed; instead, they know that any items that are arriving are within the agreed budget.

• Each person has a voice on any detail of interest. One person may be more engaged in the process, but both voices are always relevant.

• Each person must agree on the roles they are both playing in the process. One person cannot simply take charge of the project without consent from the other.

• Each person has veto power. It does not matter if it is one person’s absolute favorite option, if the other says “no,” that option is off the table. No explanation needed. Another favorite option is out there.

• Indifference is fine. This point has proven to be the most valuable. Each person can say no to any option, as noted above, but it is also fine not to care about a decision or an idea. Many people simply want a space to be generally pleasing to their eyes and to function well; after those two points are met, they are flexible. Take those notes at their word and do not force a perspective or a feeling that is not necessary to have.